Nibelheimenium
by Carbuncle
Summary: Cloud and Tifa are invited to Nibelheimenium - a celebration of the rebirth of their hometown Nibelheim. But they soon discover that something is not quite right in their quaint little town... (Did someone mention the word "cult?")


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Nibelheimenium  
  
(Open to Nibelheim. A truck pulls up into town. Suddenly, both Cloud and Tifa are thrown out of the back of the truck. They both land on the hard ground.)  
Trucker: (voice only) ...and don't forget your stinkin' luggage, either! (two suitcases fly out of the truck and hit both Cloud and Tifa on the head)  
Cloud: Ah! (the truck drives off) Geez, some people...!  
Tifa: (rubs her butt) Can you really blame him, Cloud? You did eat half of his food supply, after all...  
Cloud: I was hungry!  
Tifa: Yes, but that food was meant for the poor, starving people of North Corel. They don't have it as good as us city folk, you know.  
Cloud: Yeah, I know. And I suppose I shouldn't have ate their food either, but it looked so tasty.  
Tifa: (she and Cloud climb to their feet) Well, we finally made it here. Hmm, the old place hasn't changed a bit, has it?  
Cloud: No. Unfortunately it hasn't.  
Tifa: Come on, Cloud, let's go and get settled in.  
  
(Cut to Tifa's house, the living room. Cloud and Tifa walk in and dump their luggage on the floor.)  
Tifa: Mmm... smell that, Cloud? That's the smell of home sweet home!  
Cloud: Funny... It smells more like burning rubber.  
Vincent: (walks in) Knock, knock!  
Tifa: Vincent? Hello!  
Vincent: Good day. I heard you two had just moved in. I thought I'd come over and give you the traditional Nibelheim welcome.  
Cloud: We already know the traditional Nibelheim welcome, and, trust us, if you try it on us, I'm gonna punch you in the face.  
Vincent: I assume you're here for Nibelheimenium, correct?  
Tifa: Nibelheimenium?  
Cloud: What the hell's... Nibelheimenium?  
Vincent: Nibelheimenium. It is the annual celebration of our town's rebirth. For tonight, six years ago, our town was rebuilt from scratch after an awful attack launched by the great Sephiroth. On Nibelheimenium, the whole community comes together and has a massive get together to thank the Lord for our second chance.  
Cloud: ...'kay. (aside) Tifa, how come we've never heard of this before?  
Tifa: I... I don't know, Cloud. Actually, Vincent, we've come to stay here for a few weeks until the renovations have been completed on 7th Heaven. You see, it's a long story...  
Vincent: Oh, well. I am sorry to hear that. But, at least you will be able to celebrate Nibelheimenium with the townspeople now.  
Tifa: ...yes.  
Vincent: Oh, would you look at the time? Excuse me, but I must be on my way now. I shall see you later, no doubt. So long.  
Cloud: Bye, Vincent.  
Tifa: Yeah... bye. (Vincent leaves)  
Cloud: Nibelheimenium, eh? Sounds fun!  
Tifa: Uh, Cloud, didn't Vincent seem a little odd to you?  
Cloud: No. No more than usual.  
Tifa: He seemed... different.  
Cloud: ???  
Tifa: Something about him just didn't seem quite... right.  
Cloud: I don't know what the hell you're talking about. He seemed fine to me.  
Tifa: And what of this... Nibelheimenium? Don't you think it sounds rather strange?  
Cloud: Not really...  
Tifa: But we grew up here, and we've never heard anything about this... Nibelheimenium before. Don't you think that's strange??  
Cloud: Maybe it's a new thing. We can't have known everything that's gone on over here for the last couple of years.  
Tifa: I... I guess you're right. Well, I'm going to have a shower.  
Cloud: Okay. I'll get dinner started.  
Tifa: Are you sure that's wise? You haven't exactly had much luck in the past with the cooking.  
  
(Cut to a kitchen. Cloud, wearing a chef's hat and apron, is looking at a juicy steak. He has a salt container in one hand, and a sugar container in the other.)  
Cloud: Hmm, salt... or sugar? Salt... or sugar? God, I'm sure I know this...  
  
(Cut to a dinning room. Barrett, Cid, Tifa and Yuffie are sitting at a table, wearing their best clothes. Cloud watches them eat.)  
Barrett: Ugh! This is #@$%^&* disgustin'!  
Tifa: Ewww! And these potatoes are as hard as rocks!  
Yuffie: (taps a potatoe with her fork) I think one of mine IS a rock!  
Cloud: Yeah. About that. I kind of ran out of potatoes, so I got the idea to use white rocks instead. I never figured you'd be able to tell the difference, but there you go.  
  
(Cut back to Tifa's house, the living room.)  
Cloud: Don't worry, Tifa. It'll be okay this time. I've been taking cookery lessons from Red.  
Tifa: Uh... okay. Just remember, sugar is no substitute for salt.  
  
(Cut to the bathroom. Tifa is washing her hair in the shower. The silhouette of a man, holding up a knife, appears through the shower curtain.)  
Tifa: La-la-la-la-la! Doo-dee-doo! (the shower curtain is pulled back) What the?!  
Cloud: (holding a knife) Hey, Tifa? I should cut AWAY from my hand, right?  
Tifa: Yes!!  
Cloud: (pause) ...oh, dear God! You're naked!  
  
(Cut to the dinning room. Cloud and Tifa are eating their dinner.)  
Cloud: So, whaddya think?  
Tifa: ...honestly?  
Cloud: Give it to me straight! I can take it!  
Tifa: Well, I don't think you're ever going to win any awards for Chef of the Year...  
Cloud: Waaa!! There's no need to be cruel!  
Vincent: (walks in) Hello again!  
Tifa: Vincent, what're you doing back here?  
Vincent: I thought I'd escourt you both to Nibelheimenium. We will begin the annual celebration anytime soon.  
Cloud: (gets up) Great! I could do with some fun! Let's go, Tifa!  
Tifa: Cloud, uh, couldn't we just... couldn't we just stay here for the night?  
Cloud: Why...?  
Tifa: Well, we've had a long day. I think it would be better if we just called it a night and got some sleep.  
Cloud: Sleep?! We can sleep at anytime, Tifa, 'cept when we're working! I wanna go and celebrate Nibelheimenium!  
Tifa: But-  
Cloud: Nuh uh! I don't wanna hear it!  
Vincent: Won't you come and celebrate with us, Tifa? It will be very worthwhile, I can assure you!  
Tifa: I... I'm pretty tired myself. I think I'll just turn in.  
Cloud: You're boring, Tifa! When'd you get so boring?  
Tifa: I'm not boring, Cloud, I just don't want to-  
Cloud: You know what? Aeris would never have been like this! If Aeris was ever invited to a party, then she would go! Aeris wouldn't even give it a second thought! She'd go and she'd have fun and she'd party all night long if she ever got the chance!  
Tifa: I know, and usually I would too, but (quietly) there's something about this Nibelheimenium thing that I just don't like!  
Cloud: How would you know?! You've never even been to it before! Don't knock stuff unless you've tried it first, Tifa! Why, if I'd never been brave enough to try cocaine, then I'd had never discovered the pleasure of taking drugs!  
Tifa: You've never taken drugs in your entire life!  
Cloud: I know, but... I'm just using that as an example. (aside) It's a pretty bad example though! Don't do drugs, kids!  
Tifa: Ugh! All right! I'll come to Nibelheimenium or whatever the heck it is!  
Cloud: Woo hoo!  
Vincent: Excellent! Mwa ha ha ha!  
Cloud: ...are you okay?  
Vincent: Oh, certainly. I just remembered a funny joke I heard earlier.  
  
(Cut to the Nibelheim Mansion, the main hall. A small selection of townspeople are there, standing in front of a table. A punch bowl is sitting on top of the table. Cloud, Tifa and Vincent walk in through the front doors.)  
Cloud: Wow. Popular, huh?  
Vincent: It is early. Many more people should turn up later. In the meantime, may I offer you both a drink?  
Cloud: I'll just have a can of beer.  
Vincent: A nice cool glass of punch it is!  
Cloud: No, I said "beer".  
Vincent: "Punch"?  
Cloud: (slowly) Be...er.  
Vincent: Pun...ch?  
Cloud: B... E...  
Vincent: P... U...  
  
(Cut to the dinning room. Some more people are there, drinking punch. Cloud and Tifa are also there. Cloud has a glass of punch in his hand.)  
Tifa: I don't like the look of this place, Cloud. I think something sinister is going on here.  
Cloud: Tell me about it! I walked past the bathroom... I swear I caught Vincent ramming some guy from behind. And this punch, boy, talk about bland...  
Tifa: I think we should leave.  
Cloud: Me too.  
Tifa: Come on. Let's go.  
  
(Cut to the main hall. Apart from the table, the hall is deserted. Cloud and Tifa walk out through the corridor and enter the hall.)  
Tifa: Hmm... empty. Everyone must have retired to the dinning room already. Well, let's get out of here.  
Cloud: Right. (he and Tifa make their way towards the exit)  
Vincent: (walks out of the corridor into the hall) Ah! I found you at last!  
Tifa: Ah! Vincent! Um, hello!  
Vincent: What on earth are you doing out here?  
Tifa: Nothing!  
Vincent: I see. Well, if you'd like to make your way back to the dinning room, we can start the ceremony.  
Tifa: Ceremony? I thought this was just a party...  
Vincent: Oh! Did... Did I say ceremony?! I should really think before I open my mouth!  
Tifa: Vincent, uh, we've had fun tonight, but Cloud and I... We'd like to go home now.  
Vincent: Go, you say?  
Tifa: Yes...  
Vincent: All right then. Ta!  
Tifa: What?  
Vincent: You want to leave. I'm not going to stop you.  
Tifa: You... You're not?  
Vincent: No. Why on earth would I? I'm just so sorry you could not stay for Nibelheimenium. It would have been such a treat...  
Tifa: ...  
Cloud: ...  
Vincent: Well, goodbye. It was certainly nice to see you both again.  
Cloud: Aw, I can't do it, Tifa...  
Tifa: ...do what?  
Cloud: Leave. He looks so sad. I can't do this to him.  
Tifa: Cloud, please-  
Cloud: No. I've decided. I'm staying.  
Tifa: Cloud, I don't think you understand. I don't like this whole set up. There's something screwy about it. I fear that if we don't leave now while we've got the chance, then we're going to regret it.  
Cloud: Well, you go. I'm not stopping you.  
Tifa: I don't want to leave without you!  
Cloud: Tifa, you're a big girl now, in more ways than one. I think you can manage to walk home by yourself.  
Tifa: I... I...  
Cloud: Come on, Vincent. You can show me how to celebrate Nibelheimenium in style. (he and Vincent leave the hall)  
  
(Cut to Tifa's house, the living room. Tifa walks in, sits down on the couch, and sighs.)  
  
(Cut to the Nibelheim Mansion, the dinning room. Most of the townspeople are there. Cloud and Vincent are also present. Cloud sighs.)  
Vincent: What is the matter, Cloud?  
Cloud: I feel bad about Tifa. I think I was a little too hard on her.  
Vincent: Now, now, Cloud. Don't feel bad. Tifa made her own decision to leave. You cannot blame yourself for that.  
Cloud: Yeah, but... Maybe I should go and apologise. Would you watch my drink for me?  
Vincent: Oh, do not worry about the girl so much!  
Cloud: ...but she's my best friend.  
Vincent: (groans) Apologise if you must, but can it not wait until later?!  
Cloud: No. No, it can't. You know what, Vincent? You can stick your crummy Nibelheimenium. I'm going to spend MY night with the person I should've spent it with all along. The person I most care about. I'll see you around.  
Vincent: I think not!  
Cloud: Huh?  
Vincent: Nibelheimeniums!  
Cloud: (a bunch of townspeople crowd around him) What the...?! (the townspeople grab him) Hey, lemme go! Vincent?! What's going on here?!  
Vincent: Take him to the basement and lock him up!  
Cloud: Huh?! (the townspeople drag him off) What the hell?! Vincent! Hey! Vincent!  
Vincent: Mwa ha ha ha!!  
  
(Cut to the basement. The townspeople throw Cloud inside and bolt the door.)  
Cloud: (picks himself up) Hey! (runs over to the door) Let me out of here! (bangs on the door) Hey!!  
  
(Cut to Tifa's house, the living room. Tifa is asleep on the couch. She wakes up.)  
Tifa: Huh? Hmm, I must've dozed off... (checks her watch) Two-thirty?  
  
(Cut to the Nibelheim Mansion, the front porch. Tifa knocks on the door.)  
Tifa: Hmm, no answer. I wonder where everyone could be.  
  
(Cut to the library. The townspeople have gathered inside. Vincent is also there.)  
Vincent: My fellow Nibelheimeniums! The hour of triumph is close at hand! Soon, Nibelheimenium shall begin and our new life with it! For tonight, we surrender our body and soul to the all mighty, all powerful god, Tampra!  
Townspeople: We live only for Tampra! We serve only him!  
Vincent: ...and now, the founder of Nibelheimenium - Robert Singsongton, a mechanic from Junon.  
Singsongton: (walks up to the front) Greetings, Nibelheimeniums!  
Townspeople: Greetings, Lord!  
Singsongton: As you all know, tonight we come together and-  
  
(Cut to the basement. Cloud is sitting against the locked door, reading a magazine.)  
Singsongton: -prepare to sacrifice our lives for Tampra! It will be the beginning of a new era! We will all become a part of Tampra, a part of a new god! Nibelheimenium will be known throughout the world as the greatest cult ever formed!  
Cloud: Oh my God! I don't like the sound of that!  
Singsongton: Many people mocked me when I first decided that I wanted to create my own cult! He'll-  
  
(Cut to the library.)  
Singsongton: -never be the respected leader of some stupid cult for jerks, they used to say! Now, I have my own cult, and they're all dead! Who's laughing now, H. S. Orborson?! Who's laughing now?! I'm-  
Vincent: Um, do you not think you are starting to ramble now, o' great leader? May I suggest you just get right to the point?  
Singsongton: Right, right. I gotcha.  
  
(Cut to the cave. Tifa is walking through.)  
Tifa: Hello? Hello? Hmm, I was sure they'd be down here...  
Cloud: Tifa?! Tifa, is that you?!  
Tifa: Cloud?!  
Cloud: Oh, thank God! I'm in the basement! I'm locked in!  
Tifa: How in the world did you get locked in the basement?  
Cloud: Those crazy Nibelheimeniums locked me in! You have to get me out of here!  
Tifa: Nibelheimeniums...?  
Cloud: They're some kind of whacked out, creepy cult! I overheard them talking just now! Tifa, they're gonna commit mass suicide or something and resurrect this god called Tampon! Sorry, uh, Tampra!  
Tifa: Oh, my!  
  
(Cut to the basement.)  
Cloud: Tifa, unlock the door, quickly!  
Tifa: I don't have the key!  
Cloud: I know! They're hardly likely to leave it lying around somewhere! Tifa, start looking for that ke--Tifa? Tifa?  
  
(Cut to the library. Singsongton is standing in front of the townspeople. A townsperson walks in with Tifa.)  
Tifa: (struggling) Get your hands off me!  
Townsperson: Lord, I found this girl snooping around outside!  
Singsongton: A spy, eh? Who're you working for?! Is it Johnstone?! Is it Gerimo?! It's Gerimo, isn't it?!  
Tifa: Ugh!  
Singsongton: My, my... What a pretty young thing you are! How would you like to rock my world, beautiful?  
Tifa: Not even if you were the last cult fanatic on the Planet!  
Singsongton: Oh, well. I tried. Throw her in the dungeon with that spikey haired one from earlier!  
Tifa: No...!  
  
(Cut to the basement. Tifa is thrown inside. Cloud catches her before she falls to the ground.)  
Cloud: Tifa?! They got you too?!  
Tifa: ...yeah. I'm sorry, Cloud.  
Cloud: Oh, don't be. At least I'm not locked in a basement with Selphie Tilmitt!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the library. Selphie is sitting at a computer, reading some fanfiction.)  
Selphie: Ugh!! What's with all the Selphie bashing lately?! Stupid Carbuncle!!  
  
(Cut to Carbuncle at his computer. He sheds a tear.)  
Carbuncle: That hurt...  
  
(Cut back to the basement.)  
Tifa: I can't believe they'd all commit mass suicide just to give power to some jumped up, no hope of a deity!  
Cloud: Yeah, and I can't believe how much of an idiot I've been tonight...  
Tifa: Oh, come on, Cloud. It's not your fault we're locked up here together like this.  
Cloud: Yes, it is. If I'd had listened to you, then none of this would ever have happened.  
Tifa: You don't know that for sure.  
Cloud: Yes, I do. God, I'm such a fool.  
Tifa: All right, that's enough. It's time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and helped me look for a way out of here. We've got to stop the brainwashed townspeople from making a terrible mistake.  
Cloud: You think I haven't already tried?! There's no way out, Tifa!  
Tifa: No... but I might have a plan. Cloud, follow my lead.  
  
(Cut to the cave. A townsperson is guarding the basement door.)  
Tifa: Help! Help!  
Townsperson: (opens the door hatch) What is it in there?!  
Tifa: Help! My friend - he's collapsed!  
Townsperson: Collapsed?! Hang on! I'd better consult the all mighty leader!  
Tifa: No! You... You don't want to disturb him! He may get angry!  
Townsperson: Nah! Lord Singsongton never gets angry!  
Tifa: If you interrupt him during the ceremony, he might not thank you for it!  
Townsperson: ...yeah, I guess you're right. Okay, hold on a second. I'll just unlock the door for ya.  
  
(Cut to the basement. Cloud is laying on the ground and Tifa is standing by the door. The door opens and the townsperson walks in.)  
Townsperson: Well, I'm no doctor, but I'd say that man has fainted...  
Tifa: Hiya!! (kicks the townsperson in the head)  
Townsperson: Ow! My stars! (falls to the ground, unconscious)  
Cloud: (gets up) All right! You got him!  
Tifa: C'mon, we've got work to do!  
Cloud: Work?! What kind of work?! Manual labour?!  
  
(Cut to the library.)  
Singsongton: It is time, my children. Brother Vincent, hand me my Ultima materia.  
Vincent: As you wish, o' great leader. (gives Singsongton a piece of green materia)  
Singsongton: All right, my children, I am not completely heartless. I am now giving anyone who does not wish to participate in the resurrection of Tampra the chance to leave. Anyone?  
Townsperson #2: Yeah, uh, I'd kind of like to leave. I don't think I want to commit suicide, after all.  
Singsongton: Very well, my child. You may go.  
Townsperson #2: Bye bye, everybody! (leaves)  
Singsongton: Anyone else? No? Then-  
Tifa: Stop!!  
Singsongton: What in blue blazers?!  
Tifa: (runs in front of Singsongton) Everyone, please listen to me! Why do you want to commit suicide? You all have so much to live for!  
Townsperson #3: I recently found out my wife had been having an affair for the past three years with my best friend! What've I got to live for?!  
Townsperson #4: Yeah, and I recently found out my lover's husband is my best friend! I have nothing to live for, either!  
Tifa: Well, all right. Maybe not you two, but everyone else, surely you've got something to live for. Friends, relatives. Your hopes and dreams. How can you throw all of that away?  
Townsperson #5: She... She's right.  
Townsperson #6: Yeah! I've been wasting my time with this damn cult for far too long! I want out!  
Townsperson #5: Yeah!  
Zangan: You know what, Singsongton? You can stick your lousy half wit cult right where the sun don't shine! We quit!  
Townspeople: (at the same time) Yeah. Let's go. I'm sick of this thing. I'm going home.  
Singsongton: My children! My children, no! Come back here! Don't you walk away from me! Don't you--aw, dammit!  
Cloud: You've lost, pal. It's over.  
Singsongton: Damn you! I almost resurrected a god!  
Cloud: Yeah, yeah. And you would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for us meddling kids.  
Tifa: Let's go home, Cloud. I'll make us up a light snack. (she and Cloud turn towards the door)  
Vincent: Do not fear, o' great leader!  
Tifa: What?  
Vincent: The majority of the townspeople may have abandoned you, but I shall still be here to serve you for as long as required!  
Tifa: Vincent, no!  
Vincent: Also, I am sure that I can help you recruite new members! We shall simply move to another town! I hear the people of the Gongaga are extremely gullible!  
Cloud: Gee! God, will you just shut up, Vincent?! It's over! Nibelheimenium is finished!  
Vincent: I... oh, thank heavens! I don't know what came over me then! I need a lie down...  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
